The Insane Adventures of Harry Potter
by Amerision
Summary: Harry is bored. What does he do? Join Harry as he takes off on an insane adventure spanning time, space, and dimensions wreaking havoc and meeting various versions of himself!
1. And so it Begins

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Harry Potter. Should you believe I do, kindly take a long, rough object and shove it up…erm, well, _there_. It's not like you would notice. You must be some kind of inferior life form. Ah well, onwards!

**A/N:** This is just a fun story I'm writing to let out my creative urges less they spoil my other projects. This was inspired by nonjon's _Dimension_ _Hopping for Beginners_, along with Rorschach's Blot's _Make a Wish_. Both are excellent stories. Go read them.

Expect many real life, mythological, and religious references, along with references to other fanfics, genres, and specific stories. I'm going to try my very best to keep this a 'T'. This story contains coarse language and implied sex, along with general weirdness.

Please review! Suggestions for pairings (Most are welcome, though I can't guarantee anything), plot twists, and other such things are very much welcome. And yes, I also welcome flames.

No, I'm not a Masochist.

* * *

** The Insane Adventures of Harry Potter**

* * *

Chapter 1: And so it Begins…

* * *

Harry was bored.

Defeating Voldemort after ridiculous amounts of training, he had bought a house and started living life as a muggle. Being a metamorphmagus (An ability he had discovered during the summer after fifth year), hiding wasn't all that difficult. He had changed his name to James Evans and sat around all day. He still had no idea how the Order could not find him. It's not like his name was anything secretive.

Fending off letters from Ginny describing their 'eternal love', Dumbledore's pleas for his return, and Ron's utterly meaningless letters about random nonsense had become a full time job, so he had completely isolated himself from the wizarding world with some well placed wards and indulged in peace and normality.

For years, Harry had wished to be 'Just Harry'. And now he had it.

It sucked.

Normalcy was unfulfilling for our young hero. So were suburban grills, soap operas, and microwaves. Mediocrity and conformity ruled Suburbia. And Harry was anything but mediocre or a conformist.

Guiltily, he sometimes wished he hadn't killed Voldemort. The man was evil…sure, but he kept you occupied! Nothing like cutting through masses of Death Eaters and dueling Dark Lords on a day to day basis to keep you rejuvenated.

So, here he was, at 16, already at a midlife crisis. Where was he to go?

He had flown to Las Vegas for some fun…only to find himself quite lonely. He wasn't about to ask any of his former friends for company, however.

After waking up one day loving Ginny for some odd reason, and freely giving money out to the Weasleys, he had gotten just a tad suspicious. But well…life was good! He had a cute, **fiery** redhead that loved him, a jolly surrogate family of down to earth friends, a kindly old man who he considered his grandfather, and a rapidly diminishing bank account. Why the hell would he be suspicious?

Sure…Ginny tended to slap him a lot and lecture him with her overlarge hands on her hips for being self-centered, but then again, she was **fiery**. What a personality!

Maybe it was the time when the Weasleys had bought a massive mansion with a large 'W' on the front gates…or the Rolls Royce Mr. Weasley had suddenly procured. Or maybe it was the abrupt Head status given to Hermione and Ron? Despite the fact that they were only in the sixth year?

Anyhow, Harry found out he was being sold out, thanks to a kindly hobo.

------------------------------------------------------------/Flashback/-----------------------------------------------------------------

_Random Hobo: Hey Scarface, I mean Harry! _

_Niave!Harry: Yes, Mr. Hobo Person? _

_Random Hobo: Guess What? Ron and Hermione have been spying on you since the end of fourth year! They are in the Order and get Super Secret Training! Dumbledore's stealing your money, and he plans for you to be locked away after you beat Voldemort so he can stay the most powerful wizard in the world. Oh, and you've been given a love potion by Ginny Weasley and everyone knows. _

_Niave!Harry: WHAT? Those:sob: Bastards :sobs, I KNEW IT! Wait...how do you know? _

_Random Hobo: Umm...I...I'm an Order member...yea!_

---------------------------------------------/End Flashback/--------------------------------------

What a nice guy.

Anyways, Harry cast them off like the traitorous fiends they were, even going so far as suing the Weasleys to destitution and switching Dumbledore's lemon drops with EX-LAX.

The Weasleys now live off human waste in the nearby junkyard and Dumbledore soiled his robes during an International Confederation of Wizards meeting.

They still didn't seem to get a clue, as everyone still wrote to him as nothing had ever happened.

That was before he had figured out the Weasleys were still surviving off of the Twin's store.

So, Harry Potter had happily marched into Zonko's and personally advertised his new line of joking material. The itching thongs product was by far his favorite – it even had his face in the rear strap!

Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes folded after one week.

Harry had sent Molly Weasley an itching thong as a final insult. Idiot wore it. The London Times had reported an "…_odd shrieking noise located somewhere near Ottery St. Catchpole. The authorities have yet to find the exact source, but some residents think it is linked to the new terror in the area. Children claim they see an obese 'brownish' woman with matted red hair running around giving unsuspecting children hugs. The victims were taken to the hospital and treated for psychological scarring and lice. Representative Allen Rowens cautions mothers to stay on the lookout for this madwoman." _

After dealing with the Weasley's and humiliating Dumbledore, Harry had disappeared off the face of the planet.

And now, barely one month after he had beaten Voldemort, Harry was contemplating leaving this world.

No, not suicide. Harry was too good for that.

He was now holding the abducted Sorting Hat. After promising Fawkes his own harem of Parakeets (He liked them petite, for some odd reason), the golden bird had brought it over from Dumbledore's office.

So, plopping into a leather armchair (How he hated Chintz Armchairs), he placed it on his head, looking for advice for a nice place to vacation. The tattered old hat had been on many a head, and seen many memories of the world. Surely he had…

**_That's she to you. _**

Harry looked up startled.

_What?_

**_I'm a female, you idiot!_**

_Oh. So why the deep voice? Shouldn't you be a guy?_

**_Take a look at what I have beneath me. Is it a male appendage?_**

Harry almost tore it off at that point. His head was in her-

_Right. Any ideas on where I can go? I must be desperate asking a hat this…_

**_Being on almost every new teacher and headmaster's head at some point, as well as the founders themselves, I am by far the most intelligent and knowledgeable entity on the planet. _**

_You know, you could have just offered to teach me everything you knew…_

**_Yes, but where's the fun in that? Here you are, a scrawny little boy killing evil professors, Basilisks, memories of teenaged Dark Lords, etc etc. And to your earlier question…Salazar came up with a way to traverse the dimensions, as well as time and space by way of a portal. Unfortunately, he was sucked in and replaced by his psychotic evil twin who went on some misguided jihad on the world, killing men and woman, torturing children, and raping dogs, all the while wearing a blue tea cozy with his name stitched on the front. Strange guy. _**

Harry was soon taught the legendary art of dimensional portal making. Amazingly, he got it on his second try. Unfortunately, the hat was lost soon after when he created an odd red portal. A clawed…_thing_ reached out of the swirling blood red mass of energy and grabbed the hat. Harry quickly closed the portal, ignoring the tortured screams of the annoying hat.

No way was he going to save the hat. He thought it an oddly appropriate time to start being selfish. After all, who did he have but himself?

Raising his wand again, he prepared to cast the spell. But as he began the incantation, he remembered that he needed to withdraw some cash and buy some supplies.

So, he apparated to Diagon Alley and walked into Gringotts. Moving over to the nearest counter, he approached an ugly Goblin. This was a relative statement as Goblins were ugly on principle.

"Hello Griphook!" he said cheerfully.

The goblin looked up, his hideous face scrunching in surprise. Harry briefly wondered if Goblins were simply humans with an advanced form of Down Syndrome.

"You remember my name, Mr. Potter?" he asked excitedly. "This is unprecedented! Wizards never remem-"

Harry cut him off with a wave of his hand.

"Nah, I just read your nametag. 1700 galleons please."

* * *

Three hours later found a poorer Harry Potter apparating away back to his house. He had bought everything he needed to traverse through space, time, and dimensions.

First, he had strolled into Madam Malkin's. He had requested Basilisk Robes, but was turned down. Of course, Knockturn Alley had everything, so he had gone there right after.

Passing by an Auror, he walked into Knockturn Alley. It was awfully strange that the Aurors never raided the place. With illegal time distorters, telepathic snakes, books written by Grindelwald and "T.M. Riddle", illegal wands, and restricted magical contacts, the area was no more lawful than Harry was a virgin.

Ah well. You can't have everything.

Buying a whole new wardrobe, contacts, and a magical trunk with 29 compartments (complete with a mansion and several training rooms), he left for home.

When he got home, he ran upstairs and entered his bedroom. Raising his mattress, he took out Voldemort's wand. It was the only wand he had ever been able to bond with besides his original Holly one. Putting it in his holster, he reached in further under the mattress and retrieved his secret stash of Itching Thongs.

You could never be too careful.

So, giving his room one last look, Harry packed some personal objects in his trunk and prepared to leave.

Raising his wand once more, he started the incantation. But before he could finish, a sudden urge came to him. Running to the nearest phone, he dialed Pizza Hut and requested 27 extra large pizzas with every topping to be delivered to his house.

Giving a grin, he put down the phone. Drawing both wands this time, (brother wands work awesome in tandem!) he pressed the tips together and said the incantation.

'_Tempus, Dimensionus, Spaciutus, Travelus!'_

A light blue portal appeared in front of him. Shrinking his trunk and putting it into his pocket, he stepped through.

**A/N:** See if you can list what I made fun of in this chapter. We can play this game for every chapter! List the References! Or not. Whatever floats your boat. Pairings?

Review!


	2. Meet Dark Harry

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter does not, nor ever will belong to me. Beware of pop culture references several chapters ahead. Oh, and no RIAA official may read this story. I just hate you guys.

**A/N:** Today…I have tons of homework. Luckily for you, I didn't care enough to actually do it. So, I decided to add another chapter to this story. My brother is currently running around the house in Power Ranger pajamas holding a duel-bladed light-saber. Sounding like a sheep.

Amen.

* * *

Chapter 2: Meet Dark!Harry

* * *

Harry was tumbling through the wormhole he had created. Lights and sounds past by, complete with live action from all the different universes he was passing. Apparently, everything was possible somewhere, included wild monkey sex between Mad-Eye Moody and Eppy the House Elf.

Shuddering a bit, he saw the exit within sight, a large white hole, cackling with energy.

He passed through, tumbling onto what seemed to be a shady alley. The first sound that greeted his ears was a high pitched scream and a sadistic laugh. Brushing himself off, he drew his wand and went deeper into the alley, intent on finding the source of the sound.

As he neared the end, he could see a looming black cloaked figure standing above a writhing Death Eater. He was using the Cruciatus curse.

_Dum Dum DUM!_

Harry sent off a stunner at him. The figure broke off the curse and ducked, the stunner hitting the wall behind him. The bricks shattered with the impact, raining dust on the man.

Harry watched as the wizard turned around, emerald eyes gleaming. He had raven black hair, and a curious scar…

Harry gasped as he recognized the face.

"Dark!Harry!" he snarled, and brought his wand up again, its tip glowing with energy.

The figure looked offended. Drawing himself up, he brushed some lint off his robes.

"DarkButNotEvil!" he sniffed, and kicked the Death Eater in the ribs.

Harry dropped his wand in relief.

"Oh, sorry about that. I'm Harry Potter too!" he said, jamming his thumb into his chest proudly.

Dark!Harry's eyes narrowed.

"Oh? Prove it! How long is our…" he managed, before a red faced Harry Potter interrupted.

"Long enough!"

Dark!Harry looked pleased.

"Right Answer. That's what we tell ourselves anyways."

Harry nodded. Looking around, he approached the fallen Death Eater. Giving him an experimental punt, he was satisfied as the twitching man broke into tears.

"So, what are you doing?"

Dark!Harry waved his hand.

"Not much, just torturing Death Eaters and practicing all that Dark Magic I learned from the books I got from Borgins and Burkes. Check out this nifty wand!"

He raised an ethereal looking wand. It was glowing with power.

"I got it from some bloke named Davidovitch. It's made from Dementor Bone, and has fifteen cores: Phoenix Shit, Basilisk Sweat, Manticore Testicles, Weasley Hair (cause it's fiery!), Malfoy Smirk, Athlete's Foot, Lemon Drop Residue, Buck Teeth from Beaver, Slytherin Sneer…" he trailed off. "It's powerful."

"So I gathered," Harry said dryly. "But, how did you get Hermione's front teeth? You didn't…"

Dark!Harry smirked.

"All I had to do was touch her forearm. That got her off. Stupid Prude."

* * *

The new duo walked out of the secluded area into Knockturn Alley…because of course, everything evil happens there.

"So…how'd you kill Tom?" Harry asked, holding off the hags with some well placed _Reductos_.

Dodging a flying head, Dark!Harry glared at him.

And glared some more.

And glar-

"Allright, I got it, you're dark and moody," Harry conceded.

Dark!Harry's shoulders drooped in relief, and took out a mask from his pocket and put it on.

It was the emotionless mask.

Kicking away an annoying gecko that claimed it could save him money, Harry began negotiations with himself. It took some baiting, but eventually Dark!Harry removed his mask, and started talking.

"So, how are the Weasleys?" he asked cautiously. He couldn't insult them yet. Maybe this universe included the vile Harry/Ginny pairing. Harry drew up his razor blades and positioned them on his wrists just in case.

Dark!Harry's face twisted into one of rage.

"Those evil bastards stole everything from me!" he said, fuming. "I've been hunting them down, but I can't seem to find Bill. His sheer coolness deflects anything I throw at him!"

Harry nodded. It made sense. He had thought of this problem a while back, baking pork chops in the microwave.

Suddenly, a tall man with a red ponytail walked by them!

Dark!Harry snarled, and drew his wand, beginning to fire a rather nasty castrating curse. Harry stopped him just in time. Lowering Dark!Harry's wand, he motioned for him to stay silent.

Moving forward, he took the razor blade in his hand and snuck behind Bill. With one ferocious swipe he had learned from Master Konichiwa (the instructor of the Martial Arts class he had signed up for at home), Harry cut off Bill's ponytail.

The fiery red piece of hair fell onto the ground. It was promptly picked up from the floor by a random cancer patient, who glued it to her head and walked away nonchalant, whistling a cheery tune.

Within seconds, Bill had gone from the ultimate specimen of manhood, to just a taller Ron Weasley. In gay leather clothes.

Bill froze, horrified. His coolness had dropped dramatically.

Harry watched smugly as Bill frantically petted the back of his head, before screaming in anguish, sobbing on the ground.

"My rat's tail!" he cried, "It's gone! I – I have no more worth!"

Bill had quickly reduced his thick forearms to bloody stumps, wearing them out by beating them against the ground. This had revealed the Weasley's Neanderthal ancestry.

Harry wasn't surprised.

Walking to the inferior life form, Harry patted his back, offering his apologies. Then, he threw the razor blade at Bill. The blade landed on his lap. Bill looked up in thanks.

Harry nodded.

"It's the only way out," he said softly.

Bill nodded, and smiled sadly. He then grasped the razor blade with his toes, and proceeded to kill himself.

* * *

The two Harrys eventually decided on skipping the world. Noticing the distinct lack of anything red haired, they conceded that life no longer had any meaning in this dimension.

So, after acting as witnesses to the latest Hollywood divorce, and brutally murdering Rosie O'Donald for being a stupid lesbian, they opened up a portal and went to a (hopefully) better dimension.

* * *

**A/N:** Is it wrong to laugh at your own jokes? Maybe I'm just retarded, I dunno. Oh, and don't take offense to this story, please? I'm risking a lawsuit filling my iPod as it is.

As always, plot Ideas are welcome.

Amerision.


	3. A Slave No More, Independent Harry

**Disclaimer: **No matter what I write here, there are 1.5 billion Chinese people who wouldn't give a flying shag at a rolling donut. But, ok. I don't own Harry Potter.

**A/N: **Go ahead. Flame me. All I'll do is get your IP address, hunt you down, fly over, cut your power, castrate your dog, piss in your ventilator, plant drugs in your basement, get you drunk, take you to a nightclub, lock you in a room with a transvestite, take pictures, post them everywhere, frame you for stealing candy, make you sterile, donate sperm in your name, play ding dong ditch on you, order 27 slices of Pizza for your house, set fire to your lawn, sue you, appeal, sue again, infect you with Athletes Foot, prevent you from watching _House_, and steal your lawn ornaments.

That's all.

* * *

Chapter 3: A Slave No More, Independent!Harry

* * *

Draco Malfoy stood on top of the cliff, brushing aside sweaty locks out of his eyes. Using his whip, he caught on a nearby stalagmite and swung over to the other side of the chasm. Landing, he looked over his surroundings.

It was dark.

Bringing his torch up, he tore through thick cobwebs. He froze as a hiss sounded around him.

_Snakes…_

He hated snakes. Drawing his machete, he hacked the serpent to pieces. Relaxing slightly, he walked on.

His step echoed through the dark cave. A deep rumbling followed it. He had activated a trap.

Widening his eyes, he jumped out of the way as a large boulder rolled down the passageway, nearly missing the devastatingly handsome blonde Slytherin. His euphoria was short-lived, however, as spears burst out of the opposing wall.

Ducking and weaving, he managed to avoid the deadly weapons.

_Snikt!_

All except one. A lone spear had tore through his jacket and shirt, revealing a defined chest. Shrugging the clothing off, he continued on, looking ridiculously like Harrison Ford, despite sharing no physical resemblance to him.

A bright glimmer appeared in the distance. His hear quickened as he recognized the artifact.

The Malfoy Family Tapestry.

Running faster, he made it without harm to the flowing gold fabric. Raising his torch once more, he gazed at his family history, tracing his line down to himself.

His heartbeat quickened as he saw his name. But it wasn't alone.

Draco Tiberius Malfoy (Veela) -->(o) Harry James Potter (Lifemate)

He gasped in shock, and quickly divested himself of any clothing, revealing a tall frame, tight abs, and long black wings coming out of his back.

Unfortunately for creepy preteen girl slash fans, this not masturbating material, and has nothing to do with the story.

Well, it might. Later on.

* * *

Harry and his DarkButNotEvil!™ counterpart flew through time and space, passing by a universe that included several disturbing pairings, one that included the recently deceased Rosie O'Donald and a horny female Dementor with a large pink vibrating…cucumber.

Passing through the white portal, they landed on their feet.

They looked around warily. It seemed to be the final battle, and everyone seemed more or less dead.

Harry snorted. His had been much less melodramatic. He briefly wondered what kind of an ego his counterpart here had.

Of course, they were on Hogwarts grounds, as all final battle scenes are on Hogwarts grounds. That meant that Harry (or Voldemort) would be somewhere near the front door.

So, the duo walked to the castle, sending _reductos_ at the random suicide bombers that had decided to declare jihad on them. Kicking away a bloody turban that had gotten stuck on his shoe, Dark!Harry spotted the universe's Harry first.

"There he is," Dark!Harry said. "He seems to be gloating over Voldemort's body."

And he was.

Harry was kicking ole Tom's body, drinking a bottle of gin, and smoking a fat Cuban cigar. He was wearing a hanky on his forehead, and was sporting a long ponytail. Dressed in Basilisk hide battle robes that he had no doubt made from the Basilisk in the chamber, he was cutting off various body parts with his two Katanas.

"Hah! I beat you Tom! You manipulated me, and I killed you, just like the old fool! NO ONE MANIPULATES ME, YOU GOT THAT?" Harry was all but mutilating Tom now, body parts flying in the air.

A random black guy from the ghetto named Fifty-Cent caught the heart and ran of with it, in case he should ever get shot in the chest and get famous for it.

This was clearly a ManipulateMeAndDie!Independent!Harry.

The two Harrys approached the raving teen cautiously. They watched as he stopped his mutilation and shrugged off his robe. Underneath it was a massively muscular chest that he gotten from…jogging or something. He wore commando pants and various sheaths on his body, indicating throwing knives, ninja stars, extra Viagra, lube, and his portable anime blowup character, Fem!Ranma.

Conjuring a mirror, he set himself up in various muscleman poses, admiring his sleek, sweaty muscles.

"I'm BadAssssss," they heard him say, flexing his hulking body.

No, this was a ManipulateMeAndDie!BadAss!Sex-Deprived!Independent!Harry.

Deciding to step in before things got a bit raunchy (Harry was unpacking Ranma at this point), the duo cleared their throat.

"Hey…uh, Blaise not giving you any Harry?" Dark!Harry asked, drawing his Manticore Testicle wand just in case.

Indie!Harry looked up from inflating the Ranma toy. Plastering a goofy smile that looked out of place on the self-declared Slytherin, he answered.

"Nah, he's a guy in this universe."

The duo looked shocked.

"Really?" they asked simultaneously.

Indie!Harry nodded, suddenly looking depressed.

"Yep, no suddenly noticing a blonde (or raven black haired) Slytherin with purple (or sky blue) eyes. Not his big sister either. I tried Daphne Greengrass, but she's virtually non-existent."

The duo looked on him pityingly.

"Not even Tonks?" they asked hopefully.

Indie!Harry looked even more depressed.

"She finally noticed her attraction to Snape and Lupin, and went off in a love triangle with them. I couldn't even get an OC," he replied, all but crying.

Harry motioned for Dark!Harry to go comfort him, but he was silenced by a glare and a threat to wear his emotionless mask.

"What happened to Dumbledore," Harry probed, attempting to get him on more cheery topics.

Indie!Harry's face brightened.

"After three weeks of training, I challenged the Old Man to a duel, breaking both of his kneecaps. Next, I used a spell I learned from a book I got from the family vault he had been hiding from me, _A Retard's Guide to Killing Manipulative Old Men Who Have Ten Times Your Experience_, by –"

"- Merlin?" Harry interrupted.

Indie!Harry looked surprised.

"Yeah, I'm heir to him, the founders, Morgan Le-Fay, Grindelwald, Moses, Aladdin, President Bush, Guy Fawkes, Muhammad, The Phantom of the Opera, Darth Vader, Gordon Freeman, Bill Gates, Ghandi, Krystal Steal, Attila the Hun…" he rambled on, listing them on his fingers."…and Mary Poppins."

The duo looked impressed.

"Well, you seem powerful enough. Wanna join us on our quest?"

Indie!Harry quickly agreed.

So, the new trio went over and kicked Dumbledore's body a couple times and created a portal, whisking them away.

* * *

**A/N: **I'm just trying to get through all the introductions so I can get to the good stuff. Don't leave me yet. I know it's not that funny yet, but we only have one more character to introduce. Bear with me.

Amerision


	4. InsaneHarry and the Power Harry KnowsNot

**Disclaimer: **Stop deluding yourself. I am not J.K. Rowling. She'd never have the guts to write the shit I'm gonna pull in this story.

**A/N:** I didn't update because…hold on, let me think. My computer broke!

It uh, fizzed. And I had to get a repairman to fix it. Luckily, I magically backed EVERYTHING up! And now everything is back to normal, my computer perfectly fixed.

Don't believe me?

Oh, right! Silly me, I was in the hospital! You know, the age old excuse authors come up with every time they forget to update?

Isn't it suspicious how fanfiction authors visit the hospital so often?

It must be all the slash…

* * *

**Insane!Harry and the Power Harry Knows Not**

* * *

The trio found themselves in the portal, watching horrified as Argus Filch got on more intimate terms with a particular wrinkle on Dumbledore's body.

Obliviating each other, they exited the portal and landed in an undignified heap somewhere in Hogwarts. Getting up, they were met with an unwieldy sight.

Draco Malfoy was being held back by a severely annoyed Snape, clawing in the general direction of Harry Potter, who, at the moment was hiding terrified behind Dumbledore's robes.

Even more disturbing was the unbridled lust in Malfoy's eyes…not to mention the ugly wings, the massive pimples, and the general construction of his face.

As it was, a geezer llama ran over by an 18-Wheeler, shit on by several moose, boiled in mudblood, defiled by the touch of a preteen slash fan, and slept with by Rosie O'Donald had a better chance of being called beautiful.

Yes, Draco Malfoy was **_that_** ugly.

"Please Harry! Please…I can make _every_ single one of your dreams come true! I'll even carry your shitbaby!" Malfoy gasped, renewing his efforts to get at Harry. His body was suspiciously swollen…

"I'm not gay. That's all there is to it," Harry replied, defiant.

Dumbledore looked on him disapprovingly.

"Harry, if you do not bond to Mr. Malfoy, he will die of gas-intestinal bloating! Don't be selfish!"

Malfoy gave off a keening noise, before descending into the realm of farts.

"Harry, please, seeing you everywhere…it makes me mad. It's all I can do to jump you, rip off all your clothes and ravage you senseless on the Head Table so the whole world can see me penetra-" he was cut off by a wisely placed silencing charm by Snape.

Harry, for his part just shuddered.

"That's disturbing. I'd rather screw around with Ginny," he said, pointing at the skinny stalker watching them from the nearby corridor. She gave off a squeak and went off, desperate to find a boy to satiate her nymphomaniac desires. She was, for lack of better word, a school broomstick.

Ridden by All, free o' Charge…

In the background, the three Harrys high fived each other, jubilant in their finding that this Harry was not gay.

Dumbledore looked pleadingly on the youth.

"Oh, do lighten up Harry. I'm sure you'll enjoy the rides"

Harry looked on the headmaster in confusion.

"The what?"

"The pushing of the sludge," Dumbledore replied calmly.

"What?"

"The wand holster movement," Dumbledore elaborated, slightly pink.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Sitting on the spike, Hole in One, Packing the Fudge –"

Comprehension dawned on Harry's face, before turning into one of horror.

"I'M NOT GAY!"

"That can be easily remedied!" Snape said silkily, drawing up a potion from his robes. Harry didn't miss the ugly Professor's eyes raking over his body, licking his lips.

"NO! Wait! I'll do it!" Harry said quickly, wincing at the increasingly frequent long winded farts.

Dumbledore beamed at him.

"Good paw-I mean, boy! Here's a treat!" And with that, Dumbledore tossed a small round candy with an 'M' on it to the awaiting Harry's mouth.

Indie!Harry bristled. Dumbledore never gave him those!

"Now, all you have to do is make the formal vows!" Draco said, glee evident in his voice. He shuddered as another massive gas attack ravaged his body. A pair of passing first years fell to the floor in near cardiac arrest. They were dragged off by extremely pale man with black hair, an inhumanly beautiful nose, and gay clothes, all the while 'touching' himself.

Harry walked forward.

"I…Harry James Potter…"

Everyone around leaned in to hear. Was the boy-who-lived gay?

"…refuse to take the inbred pond scum known solely in my mind as 'El Ferret', as my mate."

All the preteen slash girls stomped their feet in distress, angry at the fact that they wouldn't be able to read about 'hawt secks' between the two boys they dreamed about the most, while the rest of the female population cheered.

Draco opened his mouth in shock, letting off a massive burst of gas. He let off one last scream before he exploded in a shockwave of vaporized shit.

He died a very painful death.

"HARRY!" Dumbledore thundered, rounding on the boy-who-lived.

Harry looked back at the headmaster, glaring up at the old man.

"What?" he sniffed, before breaking into a series of coughs, trying to clear his lungs of Malfoy's remnants.

"You…You killed! How dare you disobey me? I gave you candy!"

Harry suddenly started laughing hysterically, cackling evilly into the charmed ceiling of Hogwarts. The sky darkened and thunder broke overhead, lightning striking random targets. Hermione ran off to the library trying to find out how _that _happened

With an audible 'crack' Harry's mind snapped and he went dark. No, more than dark. Evil, crazy…he plunged into the very depths of insanity. All in three seconds.

"Teehee!" he giggled, and started crucio'ing everything that moved.

Insane!Harry had been born.

Dodging the crackling red light, Dumbledore quickly ran off…because Albus Dumbledore, defeater of the Dark Lord Grindelwald and possessor of way too many titles could not duel a sixteen year old.

Insane!Harry apparated directly out of the school using super-advanced dark magic he had read about in a book from Flourish and Blotts. The Harrys quickly followed him to Lord Voldemort's secret lair, in a dark dungeon beneath a castle somewhere in Cheshire.

Hiding in the shadows, they watched as Insane!Harry walked around, looking for Voldemort.

"C'mere Moldywoldyvoldieshorts!" he raved, snickering at his own joke.

Two red eyes appeared in the darkness.

"What is it?" a high pitched noise asked.

"I want to replace you!" Insane!Harry ranted.

"Oh…?" the voice asked. "Then you will have to face me!"

Lord Voldemort stepped out of the darkness, pale white skin, a beautiful nose, black hair, and gay clothes…

"MICHEAL JACKSON?" the Harrys gasped simultaneously.

"Who else?" Voldemort/Jackson sneered. "I became Lord Voldemort when my beautiful nose kept on falling away, leaving two little slits. Where did you think all the undead from _Thriller_ came from, huh? All my inferius!"

"But…but you…you _touch _little children!" Insane!Harry screamed. "That's insane!"

Voldemort pointed to the corner of the room, where the first years he had kidnapped earlier sat on his bed watching porn.

"Them? It's a hobby! You are not to question me! I will show you my ultimate power!"

"And that is?" they all asked. Insane!Harry didn't seem to notice the other Harrys presence.

And with that, _Billy Jean _started playing and the room darkened even more. Voldemort/Jackson walked up to a previously hidden platform and hopped on.

"BEHOLD! The amazing power of the MOONWALK!" he shouted.

Voldemort/Jackson broke into the moonwalk, enamoring all the Harrys. They could only watch in amazement as he broke all the laws of physics in the ultimate dance move. The sheer dancing ability displayed started caused the world to fade around them…all they could see was the moonwalk…

But Indie!Harry, vain as always, returned his attention back to himself, and saved the other Harrys from death by moonwalk. Creating the portal, they escaped…the haunting melody of _Billy Jean_ in their heads.

* * *

**A/N:** This chapter sucks so much, I don't even know where to start. Maybe it's because I wrote it in Spanish class. Whatever.

Amerision


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